[through the ultimate immersion and embrace of the unconventional divine, the abbhorent ugly, and the outcast irregular, do i find trueness, wholeness, meaning, and love]
it seems we are here yet again, are you here with me, now?
7:36 PM, IN MY HOTEL ROOM 310, CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA
the tv is far too loud and i cannot find the remote. why do the loud noises hurt? its like when noise makes the ears ring except all over the body, like a shiver. ick. begone, destroyer! awful vibrations. eugh. pardon my jitterances. i am now 2 days without the ICHOR, as i will call it.. this time alone perhaps for the only time amongst a small handful, i will enlighten you, my dear viewer, to my chemical restraints/self-medication regiment. please do not ever do what i do.
i, on a daily basis, when and whenever i can possibly do so, ingest both methamphetamine and fentanyl, multiple times a day, routinely.
i started doing fentanyl about 3-4 years ago as an admittedly failed (thankfully, so!) attempt at ending my own life after a breakup that, in retrospect, i probably deserved. yes, i am a femcel in spirit. a female white knight, forever lonely in my hopeless romanticon. please disregard but do understand my embracing of the cringe, at this point in my life- seeing as i took the whole "know thyself" thing pretty seriously after going to extensive amounts of inpatient therapy in my youth. shoutout mindfullness, dbt, cbt, and most of all- meditation, such a trip. anyways, yes. i am diagnosed with a god damn grocery list of mental specificities- the paramount of them all being 'schizoaffective disorder'/'cptsd'. i never really liked seroquel, but will take it in an emergency, for a week maximum. i LOVED / still love diazepam, but i had a 4 year long medically prescribed benzo addiction starting at age 16 thanks to modern psychiatry and lack of informed consent. that withdrawal took a year to let off me, and changed my neurology fundamentally. more anxiety than i ever started with, adn i had to learn to cope with most basic of emotions again. suck a yikky time. while it was happening to me, i thought it would last forever, and also that i was dying, every day, for a fucking YEAR. i am so thankful that i got through that whole era of reawakening.
as far as eras of reawakenings go, though, it seems another is about to rear its ugly beautiful lucidity-struck head. yknow, after this long haze of fentanyl apathy painstore and rummage, i find that the high for me at this point is received when i am so broke that for whatever reason, i am unable to ~re-up~ on "down" as it is called in my area of the states, that my mind and body begin to.... re awaken. the lucidity is kind. it hurts to feel again, but my god is it beautiful to feel, even the worst feelings are just so... vivid, again. it shines to show me how dull i really have made myself, so nullified and bleak. still me, but buried. still me, right..?
.....
i didnt mean to fuck everyhting up so bad, you know. i mean, i did, when i wanted to die, but i never really -wanted- to die, i just wanted.... to reject this reality, to rein in the world as if it were my own, to be honest, rather selfishly. i hope from this i have learned to never self destruct in such recklessly abandoning manners ever again. my poor family. the people who love me have certainly suffered the most. i am losing my teeth also. believe it or not, it isnt 'meth mouth'- it's the fentanyl/xylazine. nobody will believe me, probably will assume this is just #Cope for meth mouth apologists. i know i speak true, though. fentanyl will be proven to absolutely Wreck folks dental health on a major scale, one day.... i wager this to certainly be true.
good golly graveless- i've rambled you to near distance! i didn't quite mean to go on such a psychopharmacological and psychosocial rant about the duality of self and my chemical pity party (never pity me, fools!!) but it just sort of .... flew out of my fingertips. maybe there is some value to you, reading this... who knows....
i dont understand why, but whoever you are, i hope you like it...
....
i mean... connecting, at least somewhat,,, through the screen, through time... as you read this... for a moment,,,
neither of us...
....are alone for this moment.