squatting in hell//ruminating multiplicity, retrospection, heart it aches
ive been in some mental sort of prison as of late, i am extremely frustrated with what seems to be the impassable jail cell called my life which i cannot seem to surpass my current challenges etc. i have been homeless-er than usual lately, too. sleepin' in my broken down car. yeehaw. it'd be so tight if it could, well... drive. ha. id be honored to park it in a walmart parking lot, then drive off at will. the threat of it being towed looms over me, thoughts of being pulled over once i DO have it running, asking me about why i have no insurance, the possibility that i even have a WARRANT.... god forbid! jail... oh jail. jail SUCKS. jail is like school, but maybe 20 times worse. it is AWFULLY boring. they take your time, your most precious currency. autonomy be damned in those cold cells. its always cold, and it always smells like piss and shit. its... so... so. gross. nobody is nice, nobody is cool, nothing is going on, you just sit there (usually in some sort of intensifying drug withdrawal) and wait.. and wait... and wait... it's easy to go nuts in there. i never ever ever again want to have to return to such a place. fingers crossed.
i often wonder about the morality of crime. the word crime does not even have a formal definition, for "crime" is simply a name for a concept invented by the beurocratic courts of so-called 'justice'. it is conjectively defined as something that is, ultimately- socially unacceptable. which leads to my wondering, who's to say that crime is "wrong"? i mean, sure, murder, rape, the really bad stuff- we can feel that stuff is terrible. it is pain, horror, the like. but theft from corporations, driving without insurance, tresspassing, etc? i'm not convinced that there is anything morally wrong with stuff of that caliber. certainly not worthy of taking someone's literal time to punish them. i dunno. society rules, they say. determines all, determines most. pardon my philosophizing. i'm half braindead today as it is. what am i even saying. i guess i don't have much else to say. next time will be.... more soulful, probably. tonight i feel numb, dead inside. ugh. i just want things to be easier one day. i hate being alone.